Who stalks the stalkers?
I strongly believe that anyone pursuing a relationship in the kink community read ‘The Gift Of Fear’ by Gavin de Becker. It is a pragmatical how-to guide for dealing with stalkers. de Becker runs a special security company specializing in protecting celebrities from obsessed fans.
In the book is a rather unsettling example of the kind of cases that de Beckers company deals with. I cant do the description justice, but I will try to sum up the story in order to make a later point.
Business owner goes to a convention/workshop and is introduced through a mutual friend to salesman. Salesman instantly latches on and becomes obsessed with getting hired on as an employee by business owner. Polite brush off is given by business owner.
Much to business owners surprise, salesman calls weeks later and mentions that since so-and-so has left the company there is now an open position for him to get hired. Business owner is majorly freaked out by the fact that salesman has been tracking his employees. Business owner tells salesman to take a hike.
Salesman continues to call. Business owner never returns calls but salesman continues to call until business owner cracks and calls salesman screaming at him to stop. Salesman agrees to stop calling business owner.
A month later, a package arrives for business owner. It is from the salesman and asks if business owner could please sign a letter of recommendation in order for salesman to get a job at another company. Business owner would never give a positive recommendation to anybody about this freak. Letter is thrown away. Salesman calls demanding to know where letter of recommendation is.
Business owner looks up mutual friend that introduced the two of them in the first place and asks for help. Mutual friend agrees to have a stern talk with salesman. The next day salesman calls demanding to know why business owner is spreading lies about him. Says that business owner has ruined one of the best friendships that salesman had. Salesman warns of dire consequences falling upon anyone who would cross him.
In a panic, business owner calls the police. Police show up and give salesman a good talking to. Next day salesman calls and tells business owner that he will be sorry that he ever got the police involved. Salesman says it would be a shame if anything bad should happen to business owners wife.
Enter Galvin de Becker.
Now de Becksrs security company handles this kind of stuff all the time. Usually in the form of ex-boyfriends who wont let go. Its all very predictable and they know exactly what to do in order to make the situation stop. Some tech guys install a few electronics on business owners telephones at work and home. Now all calls are routed through the security company. Any legitimate business matters are forwarded through. But all calls from salesman are handles by the security company.
Now here is where an interesting thing happens. But one that makes total sense.
Business owner calls the security company the next day and wants to know whats happening. Security company tells him to piss off. They are professionals and they know what they are doing. Security company hangs up on business owner.
Two weeks later business owner calls security company again. This time demanding to know if salesman is or is not continuing to call. Security company reminds business owner that the whole point here was to break off communication and they hang up again.
Business owner calls back. Totally flips out and is in a panic attack trying to find out what has happened to salesman. Is he still obsessed with me or not? Is he still calling me or not? Are the threats still happening and are they getting worse? Security company laughs in his face and asks who exactly is obsesed with who here.
Months roll by. Business man continues to call security company asking if they have ‘taken care of’ the salesman problem yet. Security company continues to tell businessman ’suck it!’ But slowly businessman calls less and less. He is a business owner after all and has the operation of the company to help keep his mind off things. Eventually the day comes where he stops calling the security company asking for updates on the salesman situation.
Businessman has learned to let go.
Now obviously it is not always the case where obsession flows both ways. But in this case the stalker and the stalked were feeding off each other. The stalker obsessed with making the other person listen. The stalked obsessed with making the other person stop. Each side having a vested interest in making the other side do what they want.
I bring this up because of an article writen this week by sex-writer Violet Blue. Its an absolutely scathing attack against the stereotypical ‘christian right’ and how those evil conservative fundamentalists are always so obsessed with all things sex. I wont go into all the factual errors in the article (I dont even own a television and even I know that FoxNews is not a bunch of puritanical prudes oppressing everything sexual. Its practically the T&A-news channel for pete’s sake) but I do want to address the underlying attitude.
Specifically, I want to address the psychological defense mechanism of reversal. Its not the sex-positive community that is obsessed with the christian right. Oh no. Never., It must be that the christrian right is obsessed with the sex-positive community. Yeah. That has to be it. Those evil nasty christians are always out to get us. We have to do something. We have to make them stop.
Maybe if we just returned their call and tell them flat out once and for all our company will not hire them as a salesman then maybe they will get the message and finally stop pestering us. But only if our blind spot is big enough to cover the fact that it is us picking up the phone and dialing their number.
When two sides get entangles with eachother, and each side is convinced that it is the other side who holds an unhealth obsesion with the other, there is realy only one way to stop it. And thats for one side to just start ignoring the other. Dont try and MAKE the other side stop. Just refuse to listen to them any more.